Practical Tips for Teaching Chastity

Chastity is hard work, but rewarding. Self-mastery of the passion is training in human freedom. Here are some simple chastity tips to help connect you with your daughter:

• Look for opportunities to connect love-making with life-making: keep “babies and bonding” together when discussing dating and courtship with your daughter. For example, your daughter may discuss that her friend is going steady. You might say, “Your friend’s boyfriend is handsome and smart.” Pause. Then say something like, “I wonder what he’ll be like when he becomes a father someday. The way he plays soccer and cheers on his teammates makes me think he’ll make a great soccer coach for his children when he becomes a father.”

By bringing “future parenting” into the discussion, you may startle your daughter, but it helps to frame the discussion of courtship by connecting love-making with parenting. It is a reminder to your daughter that the natural result of sex leads to babies, regardless of the widespread use of contraceptives. Also it helps your daughter to reflect on the qualities she desires in her future husband who will be the father of her children.

• Pray daily for your daughter’s future spouse, and encourage your daughter to pray for her future husband, that he will remain chaste and grow to be the person God calls him to be.

• Show your daughter how to put chastity “spice” into her life!

It may seem “spicy” to live a life portrayed in movies and TV sitcoms that show unmarried couples in bed scenes. If we imitate loose morals of Hollywood, however, we will end up getting hurt and the people around us will get hurt, too.

What we need is the “SPICE of Life.” Each of us has a Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative and Emotional dimensions of our personhood. It is called the “SPICE of Life” because these qualities makes life so incredibly rich. SPICE helps us to grow more fully as the person God created us to be. Here’s how you can share some SPICE with your daughter:

• Spirituality. After watching a movie, discuss the differences between your family values and the values promoted in the film. For example, “Those two actors really were attracted to another. I wonder if they live their lives where God is in the center of the lives. What do you think?” Also, “Do you think the characters shared similar values and faith in God?” These questions may lead to thoughtful reflections about what is a God-centered life, and what are our values and beliefs. With some reflection, we may come to the realization that when couples rush into relationships they may not have given themselves time—or experiences-- to learn whether they share the same values and faith.

• Physical. After watching a movie, you may say, “Did you see how the two actors let themselves be dominated by their passions? They started to kiss, and then they lost their ability to remain chaste. They did what they felt like doing, even though they were not married. “ By having this discussion with your daughter, you are affirming the institution of marriage. You can explain that it is only in an exclusive, life-long relationship that the sexual act is proper and good for the woman and man and for the children they may conceive. This is marriage. Affirming marriage will demonstrate that you have high expectations for your daughter because she is worth waiting for. Brainstorm with your daughter how the characters in the movie may have practiced chastity.

• Intellectual. Look for opportunities to praise your daughter for good decision-making and for demonstrating respect and love for herself and other persons. For example, “It is wonderful that you and your boyfriend are involved in many group activities with friends.” “I like how you both are volunteering and doing service for others.” “By committing to living chastely, you both are giving each other an opportunity to grow into mature and loving persons.”

• Creative/Communicative. Live a chaste life to the fullest! Living a chaste life blossoms in friendship, and family life is the best place to practice friendship. During the daily life of work and play, look for opportunities to share joy, humor, and laughter, as well as to offer comfort to one another during times of tears, sorrows and sufferings.

• Emotional. We pray that our daughters avoid relationships that lead to negative emotions: jealousy, envy, possessiveness, uncontrolled anger, etc. During the teenage years there will be plenty of opportunities for discussing the negative emotions caused by poor relationships. These are teaching moments for a mother to discuss with her daughter about how to avoid relationships that belittle and hurt her dignity as a person created in the image and likeness of God. You may help your daughter develop steps to effectively influence relationships that positively promote and affirm the dignity of the person.